Seventeenth Entry (19/09/2024): I lied. I don't actually know the cause of my burnout and it's probably getting worse(???, or maybe not, I don't fucking know tbh)
Firstly, I'd like to start with a small update on the first week of my school: It's actually been great so far! My classmates are boring as fuck and the teachers don't speak English but I met with some of cool kids outside of my class (in the same school) who seem to like me as well. We don't know eachother that much and we are still only acquaintances but we say "hello" to eachother whenever we see eachother during breaks. One of them has a super cool style and the other one is a Okegom & Fundamental Paper Education fan, which is great.
Now it's time for the not so great news: My burnout is acting kinda weird... Idk if it's actually a burnout, but there are some patterns I've noticed throughout the week which are probably related to my "burnout" as well;
- Anhedonia, it's a thing about my burnout that is getting more and more noticable each day. I can't enjoy creative activities and my other interests as much as before anymore.
- "Empty" feeling, emotional numbness. I don't feel sad or happy or any other feeling. There is just numbness.
- Hopeless about the future/Not having any plans and dreams or expectations about the future. I mean, I used to have them, but it just feels pointless now.
- Shit memory, maybe it's an ADHD things.
- Easily irritated
- Repeating intrusive thoughts
- Lack of motivation
I feel like I'm living my life on autopilot. And I'm fearing tht this might ruin the potential friendship I'm forming with the other kids I met at the school. I don't really feel like actually growing my friendship with them because I don't have the capacity, motivation & energy to do that, but at the same time, their friend group is the thing I dreamt many times and they are super friendly to me. One of them also asked me to meet in this weekend, and idk what can I talk abt during that hangout, because I lost all of my interests and I don't have anything to talk about. I don't want them to find me boring or hate me, but I genuinely don't know how to keep this friendship and get closer to them. My brain is constantly reminding me that I may somehow fuck everything up at any time possible, and these thoughts are making me so fucking anxious. I try to remind myself that these thoughts are not real but the intrusive thoughts remain strong still. Again, there are no emotions anymore; just cluttered thoughts and anxiety.
Unrelated, but I tried to download Mogeko Castle today but the game doesn't opens for some reason...
Sixteenth Entry (09/09/2024): Heyy, guess who's back!
It’s been a while since I updated this website because a lot of things happened recently (moving to a new house and a city, my computer getting broken etc.) and I didn't knew that I could update this website from my phone as well. Anyways, my computer is repaired already, and I'll get it from the tech store that repaired it tomorrow. And the best part is that the computer won't be a family computer anymore (a.k.a it'll be my own personal computer, yayy!!!)
These days were not just physically, but also emotionally and mentally tiring as well. I'm currently experiencing a type of burnout I never experienced before and it feels like I lost my passion and motivation in everything. I won't go into much detail, but I realized that this burnout is actually just me trying to find a new purpose to reignite my passion in creating and slowly getting rid of the internalized fears and emotional trauma, and that's why I was in such a "void state" all the time (I think that was a lot of detail...). I'm not thinking of stopping my creative journey, it is one of my biggest special interests after all. Once I fully heal from the burnout, I'll start commiting myself to creating art with a better, more passionate mindset.
While I was in this burnout, it doesnt means that I wasn't creating at all. There are some stuff I worked on for the past month that I can't wait to share on this website once I get my computer! And I'm also thinking of changing the layout of the website entirely while still keeping it's mobile friendly features (there are a lot of things I wanna do that are just not really possible on a phone screen). And (again, even more unrelated,) I decided to keep an audio diary to keep track of my feelings, ideas and more stuff like that. The fact that i finally got my own room in the new house alo makes it easier cuz I don't have to worry about people hearing me recording my voice (yayy!!)
Until then, see you guys later!!
Fifteenth Entry (12/08/2024):
Fourteenth Entry (04/08/2024): Thanks Reddit...
.png)
Thirteenth Entry (01/08/2024): Today, I took a break from working on my usual art improvement stuff because my attention problems were getting worse and I got a little bit burnt out because I pushed myself a little bit too hard on improving my art or (being the scattebrained yippie creature I am,) trying to focus on other stuff all at once such as working on my webcomic and trying to learn how to code on Godot (it couldn't even be considered "studying coding" tho, I just watched a bunch of tutorials and the free online course I started). In the end, I didn't do any of those today, I focused on other stuff I couldn't really focus on on normal ciscumstances such as consuming media I like (Nekojiru and Vampire D: Bloodlust) or just doing brain rotting stuff such as endlessly scrolling down on youtube and listening to music so i could imagine my ocs interacting with eachother better (or simply imagining imaginary angsty animatics better lol). I'll be honest; As the time went on, I lost my reading habit and due to my attention problems (and perhaps the book being in English and not in my language as well,) I struggle with gaining this habit back. I used to be such a bookworm, and I kinda feel sad because I'm not a bookworm anymore...
Also, here's another thing I feel guilty about; I was talking with my friend and we were supposed to go to beach tomorrow, but since I didn't made the exact day of the beach day clear when we were planning it, they thought it was in another day. When I messaged them for reminding them that it was tomorrow (and for also telling them about the hours we were supposed to meet outside), they got confused, and I learned that they thought we were supposed to go to beach in another time and that they couldn't go to beach tomorrow. I felt kinda guilty because it made them feel bad when in reality, it was kinda my fault because I didn't made the exact day clearer when I asked them to come with me...
And lastly, I decided to record a vlog to put in my youtube channel today. I realized that it was harder than it seemed (I looked way too stiff in front of the camera and always kept stammering, pausing and forgetting what was I going to talk about), but I am determined to finish that vlog anyway, cuz it's super fun!!!
For some reason, I feel kinda weird rn... Idk if I'm getting sick or something like that but I hope it's not something like that because I will go to beach tomorrow with my family and meet with new ppls... Anyways, good night.
Twelfth Entry (18/07/2024): GUYSSSSSS SOMEBODY ATTACKED MY CHARACTER ON ART FIGHT!!!!! IM SO HAPPY :D
The artist is Tsukomasi on Art Fight and they are on Team Stardust
Eleventh Entry (02/07/2024): I should binge watch Bungou Stray Dogs and The Owl House now...
Tenth Entry (20/06/2024): The Poetry section didn't turned out the way I wanted it to turn out. Will look at it later.
Ninth Entry (18/06/2024): I finally set up ffmpeg to my computer which means that I will finally be able to export animatics I did on Krita and terrorize the yt art community with my animatics babyyyyy!!!!
Eighth Entry (16/06/2024): Finally finished my Art Fight profile after days of procastinating! So excited for it as this will be my first time :D Also, I am in Team Seafoam
Seventh Entry (14/06/2024): I decided to pull an all nighter to study art. This is my first all nighter btw, wish me luck.
Sixth Entry (04/06/2024): Here's my website when it was only a few days old! Time moves fast...
.png)
Fifth Entry (31/05/2024): I finished making the first art gallery, my dad came home today, and I played Reaper's Goodbye (an indie game free on itch.io) as well. Awesome game, I was really digging the characterization, soundtracks and the storytelling of the game. Definetly recommend it!!!
.png)
Fourth Entry (30/05/2024): I decided to not to procastinate anymore and finally started actually making the art gallery section of my website. Also, my dad is coming tomorrow to stay for a while. And I also opened a Spacehey account and met with a lot of cool ppls. That's it, I don't have any other thing to say.
Third Entry (22/05/2024): Yesterday, I found a huge pile of books left near a trash can in the middle of the street, and some peoples were getting books from there. I also hoarded some books from there, including;
- A recipe book with visuals that focuses of a food named "casserole" (that is not the first time I heard the name of the food but it was my first time actually learning about the food.)
- Bunch of English studying books by Cambridge that my mom fell in love with.
- Bunch of other short novels and books.
- A huge-ass folder with 9th Grade math lesson notes in it, my mom thought my twin could use them to study a little bit.
- Bunch of old newspaper pages to use in collage.
I forgot to write those yesterday because I was tired and it was getting late. Anyways, I need to prepare to the school now, Byeee!!
Second Entry (20/05/2024): Today, I could(n't) work on an art piece that I was supposed to finish despite having 2 empty lessons as an addition to the normal 2 hours of lunch break at the school, making it a 4 hour lunch break. I also failed another math exam. After that, I went to a Turkish restaurant run by Turkish people today with my family, only to eat the most mediocre lahmacun of my life. It seems like there are no good places to eat Turkish food in Portugal. The best photo of the day was this thing I encountered in front of the restaurant. I love Lisbon for this reason.
Edit: Did I mentioned that now I have a Toyhou.se account btw? I asked for an invite code from somebody and they were kind enough to give me one! AND I will also participate in the Art Fight of July this year as well! I'm super excited!! Anyways, I'm super sleepy rn, this is the end of this entry now, byee!
First Entry (12/05/2024): I edited this page and now, it became my new blog page! You can read those blog writings of mine within boxes like this, which is cool, I guess...
Anyways, I also printed out some posters (drawn with my finger using Ibis Paint X) to hang around the city for today but I hadn't had the chance to do it, and I also couldn't meet with my friend today because they got sick again, but they created a room for me in a decoration game, which is super cute :) I am thinking of bringing my computer to the school tomorrow to play games from it (AND work on a science project as well). Also, I was going to watch some films today but I couldn't decide which movies or animated short films I was going to watch because I am an indecidive fuck with an attention span that wouldn't allow me to watch a movie anyway, lol (I shouldn't talk shit abt myself online I guess...). Btw, I made some spaghetti for myself today but (technically) nobody was at home (except for my sister who alreayd ate before so she couldn't eat any more spaghetti) and we don't have a fridge at home at the moment so I had to eat 3 plates of shittily cooked spaghetti so the food wouldn't get spoiled and the spaghetti wouldn't go to waste. Overall, this day was a solid 5/10 I guess...
Tomorrow is Monday.
Edit: WHY DOES THE "GRAFFITI LOG" THING STILL POPS UP ON THE TAB WHEN I OPEN THIS PAGE FROM THE NAVBAR AT THE INDEX PAGE!?!?!?
.png)